Prologue
When did it started?
Why am I like this?
Is it fate or coincidence?
I finally got the death I wanted.
I guess I am that lucky.
In the end, I am alive.
After achieving my long-desired dream,
the perfect suicide.
1: a taste of pride.
The turning point of a normal teenage boy becoming a criminal is the taste of committing a crime without getting caught. Irrespective of whether the offence is big or small. The belief that you are able to do something without being punished by anyone. It can be manifested as a sense of pride, all for the wrong reasons.
The truth is, I was raised as an honest person and ever since my family or relatives caught me lying, I learnt the concept of guilt and deterrence from being deceptive. But this is a lie to the people who are skeptics and truth to those who are naïve. The people on the fence would only believe me if I proof to them through my actions, which is fair since it is more pragmatic that way.
But did you know?
One of the ways to lie without the disgusting feeling of guilt is through telling the truth. You see, truth and reality are just events that occur in the physical world, but words and imagination exist in the realm of forms. Some people view exegeration and fiction as form of lies, I view it as a story.
Why does this matter?
Because the key to removing guilt and the sense of empathy is essentially gaslighting yourself before you can gaslight others. In the most literal sense, you have to genuinely believe in your own stories before you can persuade others to do the same
I never liked this one particular kid in school, he was a smart and bright student. Nobody dislikes him because his outward appearance demonstrates a textbook cover of what it means to resemble a good student. During the student council meeting, my interest was to control the means behind the scenes. The reason is obvious, If I ran for president, then scrutiny from teachers and students would be higher thus wearing a facade all the time would be more exhausting to me. I like my free time. I do not want to take responsibility. But I love the idea of people viewing me as such. So to make my life easier while being seen as responsible, I just needed a puppet that can move on its own without me directly pulling the strings. Of course, the easiest way to do this is be an advocate for the best interest for the school, and be nice to other candidates that is fighting for the presidential role.
All it takes is one subtle whisper, then the devil will do the rest.
In our school, the students will vote for two potential presidents out of the five candidates. After they are elected, the student council will have a meeting and decide collectively on who should be the president / vice president between the two. It was during this important meeting that Alvis, the person I disliked and Faith, the girl I support will be facing one another to be selected as president.
In the meeting room, both of them will have to wait outside while all the other members make the final decision together. But was it really a unanimous decision, or was it my decision?
"I think Alvis is suitable for this position, he has been part of the council for 3 years and have good track of academic records"
This was the common narrative among the people in school, including the teachers. Everyone was on board with electing him to be the president, but I cannot stand it because of my irrational dislike of his character. Even though I knew it was personal, it would not make my school life entertaining and seeing him having more power or authority over me is just unacceptable. So I intervened,
"You're right, he has been in the council for 3 years, but did he accomplished anything?"
The key to sway people's trust on others is to cast doubts in their mind. Regardless of how small or big it might seem.
This only works in school environment because the students do not have data, documents or anything physical to proof either wise. I was aware of this since younger, so it was easy to make them think twice about their memories.
"I'm just trying to be the devil's advocate here, I really think he is good. But does academic performance has anything to do with leadership?"
In the adult world, perhaps the way I phrased would incite some form of suspicion, but the reality is on the outside, I never showed any motive or reasons to dislike him in the first place. Also, being in the council almost every year as well demonstrated that I care about the school, or at least appears like it. This eliminates the suspicion that I might have ulterior motives and even if there was a more intelligent person than me in the room to point out that I do have one, I would have these claims loaded and ready to pull the trigger anytime.
"We all know Faith is also a good candidate, the students and teachers also support her. Last year we worked together, and she never disappoints anyone"
It is important to use the word "we" here to make sure everyone feels somewhat included. "We" here is important so that "I" can use them to follow through my thought process.
"But Alvis also did a good job last year"
"That is why I think he is suitable for the Deputy position. If both are equally qualified, I think it's time for a girl to lead this school."
"I don't think gender matters in this conversation, we should look at their performance"
"You're right, then didn't Faith showed she was more responsible than him before? When you think about it, Alvis attendance of this school is not up to par, right?"
"Last year it was unfortunate because he was sick. But that didnt affect his school performance"
"Academically maybe, but how can we have a leader who is barely in this school to lead in the first place?"
The truth is, gender really does not matter in this context, it was just to provoke a response for those who are still in favour of Alvis. Once any of his current supporters took the bait, it would be easier for me to provide rebuttals, especially in front of everyone in the council.
I have to thank the people who give their response to me at the time, if it weren't for them, those who stayed quiet but secretly supports Alvis would still vote for him. But Alas, now that someone else vocalised their concerns on the table, I can just give whatever response that favours Faith more than him.
To be honest, it is true that he was sick frequently in the previous year, but it was not as bad as I made it to be. He had a fever and was sick couple of times but since almost everyone in school knows him, the perception of significance became heavier as opposed to someone else being absent in school. The more important you present yourself to the public, the more noticeable your absence will be.
After half an hour of discussion passed, it was the time to vote for our next president.
When the result was out, my single question in the meeting manage to turn the tables into my favour. Faith won unanimously.
That was the first taste of success, for my own personal interest. Whether the school was better or not was not of my concern.I do not even care if anyone else got the position, as long as it is not the person I dislike. Then from here, my whole life took a turn on how I view the world, and more importantly the people.
If I really wanted to somewhat influence or control the school, it would be easier to let Alvis take the lead and try to befriend him directly. It would be way easier to pretend to help him succeed or just use his crush to manipulate him for my advantage. You see, there is one important information I did not reveal earlier, his crush was my girlfriend. It annoys me the most when he kept texting her and being kind to her. Does he not know that she is mine? Of course he doesn't. My girlfriend is a more manipulative maniac than I am, her thread is transparent to the naked eyes and the mask she wear is the appearance of an innocent doll. I guess two birds does flock together, until one of them break their wings.
