Perfect Suicide - part I : a taste of pride

Prologue 

When did it started?

Why am I like this?

Is it fate or coincidence?

I finally got the death I wanted.

I guess I am that lucky.

In the end, I am alive.

 After achieving my long-desired dream, 

the perfect suicide. 

1: a taste of pride.

The turning point of a normal teenage boy becoming a criminal is the taste of committing a crime without getting caught. Irrespective of whether the offence is big or small. The belief that you are able to do something without being punished by anyone. It can be manifested as a sense of pride, all for the wrong reasons. 

The truth is, I was raised as an honest person and ever since my family or relatives caught me lying, I learnt the concept of guilt and deterrence from being deceptive. But this is a lie to the people who are skeptics and truth to those who are naïve. The people on the fence would only believe me if I proof to them through my actions, which is fair since it is more pragmatic that way. 

But did you know?

One of the ways to lie without the disgusting feeling of guilt is through telling the truth. You see, truth and reality are just events that occur in the physical world, but words and imagination exist in the realm of forms. Some people view exegeration and fiction as form of lies, I view it as a story. 

Why does this matter? 

Because the key to removing guilt and the sense of empathy is essentially gaslighting yourself before you can gaslight others. In the most literal sense, you have to genuinely believe in your own stories before you can persuade others to do the same 

I never liked this one particular kid in school, he was a smart and bright student. Nobody dislikes him because his outward appearance demonstrates a textbook cover of what it means to resemble a good student. During the student council meeting, my interest was to control the means behind the scenes. The reason is obvious, If I ran for president, then scrutiny from teachers and students would be higher thus wearing a facade all the time would be more exhausting to me. I like my free time. I do not want to take responsibility. But I love the idea of people viewing me as such. So to make my life easier while being seen as responsible, I just needed a puppet that can move on its own without me directly pulling the strings. Of course, the easiest way to do this is be an advocate for the best interest for the school, and be nice to other candidates that is fighting for the presidential role. 

All it takes is one subtle whisper, then the devil will do the rest. 

In our school, the students will vote for two potential presidents out of the five candidates. After they are elected, the student council will have a meeting and decide collectively on who should be the president / vice president between the two. It was during this important meeting that Alvis, the person I disliked and Faith, the girl I support will be facing one another to be selected as president. 

In the meeting room, both of them will have to wait outside while all the other members make the final decision together. But was it really a unanimous decision, or was it my decision? 

"I think Alvis is suitable for this position, he has been part of the council for 3 years and have good track of academic records"

This was the common narrative among the people in school, including the teachers. Everyone was on board with electing him to be the president, but I cannot stand it because of my irrational dislike of his character. Even though I knew it was personal, it would not make my school life entertaining and seeing him having more power or authority over me is just unacceptable. So I intervened,

"You're right, he has been in the council for 3 years, but did he accomplished anything?"

The key to sway people's trust on others is to cast doubts in their mind. Regardless of how small or big it might seem. 

This only works in school environment because the students do not have data, documents or anything physical to proof either wise. I was aware of this since younger, so it was easy to make them think twice about their memories. 

"I'm just trying to be the devil's advocate here, I really think he is good. But does academic performance has anything to do with leadership?" 

In the adult world, perhaps the way I phrased would incite some form of suspicion, but the reality is on the outside, I never showed any motive or reasons to dislike him in the first place. Also, being in the council almost every year as well demonstrated that I care about the school, or at least appears like it. This eliminates the suspicion that I might have ulterior motives and even if there was a more intelligent person than me in the room to point out that I do have one, I would have these claims loaded and ready to pull the trigger anytime. 

"We all know Faith is also a good candidate, the students and teachers also support her. Last year we worked together, and she never disappoints anyone"

It is important to use the word "we" here to make sure everyone feels somewhat included. "We" here is important so that "I" can use them to follow through my thought process. 

"But Alvis also did a good job last year" 

"That is why I think he is suitable for the Deputy position. If both are equally qualified, I think it's time for a girl to lead this school."

"I don't think gender matters in this conversation, we should look at their performance"

"You're right, then didn't Faith showed she was more responsible than him before? When you think about it, Alvis attendance of this school is not up to par, right?"

"Last year it was unfortunate because he was sick. But that didnt affect his school performance"

"Academically maybe, but how can we have a leader who is barely in this school to lead in the first place?"

The truth is, gender really does not matter in this context, it was just to provoke a response for those who are still in favour of Alvis. Once any of his current supporters took the bait, it would be easier for me to provide rebuttals, especially in front of everyone in the council. 

I have to thank the people who give their response to me at the time, if it weren't for them, those who stayed quiet but secretly supports Alvis would still vote for him. But Alas, now that someone else vocalised their concerns on the table, I can just give whatever response that favours Faith more than him.

To be honest, it is true that he was sick frequently in the previous year, but it was not as bad as I made it to be. He had a fever and was sick couple of times but since almost everyone in school knows him, the perception of significance became heavier as opposed to someone else being absent in school. The more important you present yourself to the public, the more noticeable your absence will be.

After half an hour of discussion passed, it was the time to vote for our next president. 

When the result was out, my single question in the meeting manage to turn the tables into my favour. Faith won unanimously.

That was the first taste of success, for my own personal interest. Whether the school was better or not was not of my concern.I do not even care if anyone else got the position, as long as it is not the person I dislike. Then from here, my whole life took a turn on how I view the world, and more importantly the people.

If I really wanted to somewhat influence or control the school, it would be easier to let Alvis take the lead and try to befriend him directly. It would be way easier to pretend to help him succeed or just use his crush to manipulate him for my advantage. You see, there is one important information I did not reveal earlier, his crush was my girlfriend. It annoys me the most when he kept texting her and being kind to her. Does he not know that she is mine? Of course he doesn't. My girlfriend is a more manipulative maniac than I am, her thread is transparent to the naked eyes and the mask she wear is the appearance of an innocent doll. I guess two birds does flock together, until one of them break their wings. 

Gate

The reason why liberal ideas and certain religious ideas can never be, or hard to go hand in hand when it comes to rights is because liberalism or *insert anything similar* believes that the body you posses right now is yours. Meaning you have the right to your own bodily autonomy.
Certain religious doctrine on the other hand, believes that your body isn't yours. You're only borrowing it. It's not fully yours hence no self harm/suicide etc.

Without understanding these two components, a constructive discourse between a religious and liberal (or anything similar) people will be hard to achieve.

person A argues you can suicide, self harm and wear anything you want etc.

Person B argues you shouldn't

Person A believes it's legitimate to follow an ideology/rules that was forged by humans ages ago/current/going to

Person B believes it's legitimate to follow an ideology/rules that was set up by god/god(s)

It's hard for two to clash because

Person A's belief is under the assumption that the things that was socially constructed by their society is correct. Your body is yours, you can harm yourself, you can live for your desires(hedonistic, not liberal) you are free as long as you don't harm others.

Person B's belief is under the assumption that god does exist therefore his rules are correct. His rules are absolute but it is also open for interpretation hence grey area can be debatable but (from islamic perspective ; Ibadah(have to pray zuhur 4 rakaat, cannot 5,6 etc) , akidah(6 articles of belief is absolute) and fiqh is absolute) Therefore you cannot harm your body, you should be wary of the 7 deadly sins, you should lower your gaze, control your desires, you are not free to do what you do even if it doesn't harm others. (doesnt mean you cant do anything)

My problem : I don't like it when certain individual mocks other ideologies/religion just because they have different beliefs. I mean like person A and person B can be correct, but we should not determine which one is right.

'just because you're correct, it doesn't mean youre right!' - Emiya Shirou

The point is, Just because you *think you're right , It does not give you a warrant to impose your belief on others. In some cases, to the point you ridicule them or hurt them physically. Questioning is fine, but ask it politely, not in a way that can be offensive. It doesn't work that way. At the end of the day, all of us wants to live in a tolerant society where everyone can respect each other and practice what they believe in. In order to reach that dream, we all need to start behaving like one. If you want to have a proper discourse, then know what kind of person you're talking to. Understand them. If they are the type that's easily swayed by emotions when you provoke them then don't be provocative. If you don't put enough effort to change the society, then you are also the part of society's problem.

Instead of complaining, start working. Instead of ridiculing, start being nice.

"Anyone has the ability to hurt others but Im starting to believe that love is a simpler concept. Don't bother trying to expect that you're going to get something in return just because you did something good. Do something good because it is a virtue! Thinking of what you will get back is going to waste every second of your life! Within the blue skies, there is something that we must protect. Something more important than questioning "what kind of world are we living in?". People still haven't come into understanding- but that's alright! there's no more time worrying about that!"

The gate will open and everything will change. Be the key that opens the gate of change.

There's only one question left, Do you want to do it or not?

After all, there's only one you on this earth.

To your dearest princess

This is just a response.

Nak post kat tempat comment tapi terlebih characters so yea

           The idea or assumption that all men are hedonistic is socially constructed to a normal individual because of the misogynist and patriarchal society we live in, so I wouldn't blame you for coming into that conclusion. Although this contrivances is carefully thought/written, I find it difficult to swallow the illustration of how disrespectful men is towards women, the rhetoric of "the whole world is theirs(men)" *pun intended* (1) and the misconception about equality between men and women.

           'Equality aint justice and justice isnt equality' While this statement is true most of the times, equality can also be fair or justice under certain context, Im not sure what kind of article or observation that made you concluded just because we created differently therefore we shouldn't ask for equality. By that logic within itself, then dont you think everyone shouldn't ask for equality since we all created differently? Sure, I know you're specifically talking about gender, but if that's really how you want to tell people why they shouldnt ask for equality, then I don't think that reasoning can easily light the candle.
Under the idea of Egalitarianism, the equality it seeks for isn't equal quantity or equal EVERYTHING. The most pertinent thing is equal rights, equal opportunities, equal favors and treatment (okay perhaps this can be arguable). The point is, if asking for an equal wage(even if they have maternal leave, even if they don't get maternal leave), equal rights and equal job opportunities are also part of equality, then I firmly believe that women really should ask for equality in this sense.Therefore, there is equality in justice and vice versa. Tell your princess that that form of equality is ok :p If I misunderstood you or said anything wrong, please correct me. Takut ada perselisihan understanding from what you actually want to present. Sorry If im mistaken.

           Secondly, "men's world". Working like a man doesn't mean you want to be men. I believe that regardless whether youre a man or a woman, everyone should have their own ways to self actualize. The reason why there are women in military isn't because women feel inferior than man or because they see it as a format for living this world. They do it because they want to protect their country, they want to hold guns, they want to live their dreams etc. All of the examples you gave isn't exclusive for men, or man's standard. It's just being human. There's no objective standard on what makes you a man or what makes you a woman. They are just being human. Even if there are standards, I don't see the harm in working hard, joining the military, cooking and many other more. Assuming they did live under 'men's format' and failed thus giving pleasure to men, sure the best reminder is not to follow them. Give more education, tell them just because you failed in one area, it doesn't mean you don't have a life worth living. you're right, everyone is worth more than that.  However, dont paint a picture that describes men is the ruler of this world. The reason is because this type of statement either a) entrenches gender prejudice/discrimination, or b) assuming true, you make other people confirm this idea and lead them believe it's true. This is particularly bad because instead of the girl believe they're working because they want to work, you give them second thoughts and say "I think im kinda actually living for men.." or something like that. This might sound ridiculous, but I might go as far as saying, more women will distrust men now especially your princess.

           hmm why distrusting men bad? because you make them cynical. Not cynical per se, rather cynical to men. In fact, if you want to live in a world where men and women can respect each other, discussion or discourse is a better platform than putting a blind eye or ignoring. This however, doesnt undermine the idea of being cautious to men especially here in Malaysia. Don't cakap one on one, dont give private information, dont discuss petty stuff etc. Know what type of person youre talking to, not everyone is benevolent, not everyone is malevolent too. If you dont want to talk to them, tell them and explain politely, ignoring will only menambahkan fitnah atau mengumpat. Everything ada adab and ethics right? follow them. I won't try to impose my beliefs on you, but I hope you see the trade-off I'm trying to picture. There's always an opportunity cost in every decision we make in life. Which one are you willing to sacrifice is entirely up to you. I won't judge.

           You may not respond to this but I don't mind. I already got used to it in these past 5 years xD I understand. However, I do pray and hope that you're able to read this. As a friend, I will respect any decision you choose to take. As a person, you're probably the most perplexing puzzle ive ever met. An intriguing one that is. You have been one big help in my life whether you realize it or not, I always feel in debt to you. For that, I thank you.

All and all, Goodluck for trials and spm. May Allah bless you always. Assalamualikum :)

Without wax,
Zamakhsyari

(1) The World is Mine - Hatsune Miku