My Companion, My Friend

Hi, My name is [blank] , people call me [mean words] .

Hi, my name is [blank] , people call me ....

It started like a scene from a movie,
more like a modernized world where headsets and handphone just existed
that's contradictory,
well sounds contradictory because
who decides what does it mean to be modernized anyway?

Anyway, I just wanted to make friends and spread my ideals.
or at least, I just want someone to believe in, someone to rely on.
and hopefully.. they could rely on me too.
but for some reasons I couldnt.
As day progresses,
insult was my only companion and I can't even count it as "friends"
crushed was the only word that could describe my existence in that school.
in that room, in my house.
in my home...
wait,
if a house is not a home then,
i think ive always been alone.

but I rather not fight fire with fire,
so I took the insult as a joke,
I tried to laugh too and say it was funny.
so I tried to crack a joke too
they laughed. I smiled
but then they said "dont you get the joke? it's you"
I stopped laughing
but then I smiled again.
I pretend it didnt hurt. but it did

All I ever wanted was to fit in,
but I guess there's no space to let me in.
it's ok I guess.
okay as in letting myself cry to sleep every night
pondering what I did wrong.
"What have I ever do to you?"
is what I like to shout to everyone
but it wouldn't work anyway
because they will use that sentence against me
tease me, hurt me
whether it's intentional or not intentional.
it hurts.

Later that night I decided.
Screw reality
I'l just live in my own little world.
on the internet, in the internet
watching fantasy animated whatever series
it doesnt matter as long as the pain in my chest
can disappear

If god can't help me
wait
God doesn't e--

--------------------------------------------------

Hey My name is [blank] , people call me [blank]

Lately ive been having loads of nightmares,
as if some dark spirit was swallowing me inside out.

latey ive been seeing different monsters eating me alive
telling me it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
IT'S NOT FINE.

A bear, A beast. A hallow creature grab my body as if i was a toy
I look behind me, A dark, vivid creature was attached to my back
dragging me down and telling me not to go.
STRESS LONELY STRESS LONELY
FEAR WORRY DEPRESS LIE

It wasn't long enough to made me realize that I was alone,
the creatures on my back was just a figment of my imagination.
or so I thought.
but it wasn't.
it wasn't an imagination,
it was my depression.

Everyday when I try to talk to my parents,
I hope that they would try to understand me
even if they dont, at least they would help.
but no.
Everytime I try to ask for my father something,
My hands
they will start to shake
Everytime I try to ask my mom for something
My heart,
it won't stop racing.
The fear of rejection by my own family for who I truly am
for what I really want to be, is painful.

Everything I do is wrong to them,
Everything my sibling does are always right.
When I try to explain,
they'll say im being rude,
then how do you even know the truth?
Dad, you weren't there when it happened!
Dad please try to understand

"Silence!" he said
"BAM he hits me.

Later that night
my depression invites me to sleep with it again,
my depression is my only companion.
I REFUSE to go with it
but it held me so tightly I could hardly even breath
I could hardly even move
Mom, dad, singlings, help me!

im drowning

help.

No responses was given,
my vision was blurry,
I have entered a void
my head is full with thoughts telling me things
That I know im not
forcing me to accept and acknowledge the fear
I have ALWAYS acknowledge it
but
WHY is it still here?

this is why,
sometimes i think
maybe the solution to end all this is simple.
If Ive done my best to change my fate but nothing is working
then I think it's best If I just dont exist.
Not that my family cares anyway
not that it will effect anyone's life
My life should be based on what I decide
people will die sooner or later
I think maybe I should just s--





lol nothing to do with my life but I was just bored so yea